In a shocking revelation that has sent tremors through the fast-food industry, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Dave Hoffmann has admitted that the company has suffered a staggering $1 billion loss after what he described as their ill-fated foray into “woke” politics. The confession, made during a hastily organized press conference outside the company’s Canton, Massachusetts headquarters, left investors, customers, and employees alike reeling.

“We’re sorry. We won’t try that again,” Hoffmann stated, his voice heavy with regret as he sipped what could only be assumed to be a non-political cup of coffee.

For those who’ve spent the past year sipping lattes and assuming the world of doughnuts was immune to the culture wars, Dunkin’s CEO confirmed otherwise. According to Hoffmann, the company’s decision to embrace what he labeled “woke ideology” was “the biggest corporate blunder since New Coke.” And, much like the ill-fated soda debacle, Dunkin’ is now scrambling to course-correct before its glazed empire crumbles entirely.

The debacle began innocuously enough—an ad campaign featuring a diverse cast, a rainbow donut, and a company-wide declaration that Dunkin’ stood proudly for “inclusivity, equity, and love.” It sounded like a recipe for success in 2023, right? Wrong. What Dunkin’ apparently didn’t anticipate was the sheer ferocity of the backlash from some of their most dedicated customers.

“We thought we were just adding a little extra sugar to the mix,” Hoffmann explained with a wistful smile that suggested Dunkin’ might never be able to sugarcoat this situation enough. “We never imagined that supporting equal rights and diversity would lead to people boycotting their morning coffee. But… here we are.”

The campaign, which included slogans like “Love is sweet, and so are we,” and a donut adorned with the colors of the rainbow flag, seemed harmless to most—just another brand hopping on the social justice bandwagon. But as the campaign spread, so did the hashtags. #GoWokeGoBroke began trending on social media within hours, with many customers taking offense not to the message of love, but to the perceived political undertones of their once-neutral, comforting coffee stop.

What Dunkin’ failed to realize is that in the era of culture wars, nothing is sacred—especially not your morning brew. Within days of launching the campaign, a wave of conservative influencers and MAGA supporters began calling for a boycott, accusing Dunkin’ of turning its back on its core, doughnut-loving demographic.

“They betrayed us,” said MAGA influencer Chad Tanner, in a video filmed while pouring out a Dunkin’ iced coffee in slow motion, before dramatically switching to a Dunkin’ rival’s cup, which suspiciously looked like it had come from McDonald’s. “First, they tell us doughnuts are for everyone—what’s next? Are they going to start putting kale in the jelly filling? No thanks.”

Tanner wasn’t alone. Across the nation, Dunkin’ stores faced protests from patrons brandishing “Make Donuts Great Again” signs and shouting, “No politics with my pastries!” One disgruntled customer even reportedly sent a dozen “non-woke” donuts to corporate HQ, with a note reading, “This is what the people want—patriotism, not politics!”

It didn’t take long for the backlash to hit Dunkin’ where it hurt: the bottom line. Sales plummeted. Stores in key markets saw a drastic decline in foot traffic. And, as Hoffmann grimly revealed at the press conference, the company’s decision to “go woke” ultimately cost them a whopping $1 billion.

“Let me be clear: We didn’t expect this,” Hoffmann admitted, glancing nervously at a Dunkin’ logo that now felt more like a bullseye. “We thought we were just doing what was right—standing up for values that, in theory, everyone should agree with. But clearly, we misread the room. And for that, we’re deeply sorry.”

In an attempt to restore faith (and sales), Hoffmann announced that Dunkin’ would be going back to its roots. “No more woke politics. Just good coffee, good donuts, and maybe—just maybe—one of those glazed croissant things that people seem to love.”

To drive home the point, Dunkin’ has already begun scrubbing its stores of any trace of the ill-fated campaign. The rainbow donut has quietly disappeared from menus, and the company’s social media accounts have been purged of any posts that could be construed as “woke.” Hoffmann even hinted at a new, decidedly apolitical mascot: a donut named “Dunkie” who “loves everyone equally, but doesn’t feel the need to tell you about it.”

The apology tour isn’t stopping at a press conference. Dunkin’ has promised a return to simpler times—when the only thing controversial about the brand was the occasional debate over whether or not the coffee was better than Starbucks.

“We’re just here to sell donuts,” Hoffmann reiterated at least six times during his speech, as if trying to convince not just the audience, but himself. “That’s all we ever wanted to do. We’re not here to get involved in politics or tell you what to believe. We just want to make sure your coffee is hot, your donuts are fresh, and your mornings are as sweet as a Boston Kreme.”

Customers, however, remain skeptical. Some die-hard fans of the brand have cautiously returned, but others are still holding their ground.

“I’m willing to give them another chance,” said one former Dunkin’ loyalist. “But if I see even a hint of social justice in my coffee cup again, I swear—I’m switching to Krispy Kreme. They know how to keep politics out of the glaze.”

Only time will tell if Dunkin’ can bounce back from this billion-dollar blunder. Hoffmann remains optimistic, even as the company scrambles to reassure its base that they’ve learned their lesson.

“We got ahead of ourselves. We thought we could be the Starbucks of the working class. But we’re not Starbucks. We’re Dunkin’. And from now on, that’s what we’re going to focus on being. Simple, no-frills, no-politics Dunkin’.”

As Hoffmann wrapped up the press conference, he took one last sip of his coffee—no doubt wondering if it was too late to go back to being just the place where people grabbed a donut on the way to work, without a side of political outrage.

Whether the American public will accept the apology and move on remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: Dunkin’ won’t be trying that again.